There is this magical idea that soon I can be back to “normal.” While I am excited to get back to feeling more like myself, I do question what the new normal might be. And quite frankly, I have a bone to pick with the concept of normal. Who creates the benchmark for normal? Think about it. Kids have these school standards to achieve. My youngest has to pass a reading test pretty soon. He struggles with reading yet he is getting extra help at school and he and I read together pretty much every day. You know what he doesn’t struggle with? Empathy. Sharing love. Giving hugs to his crying Momma. Why don’t we measure that? His normal might not show on standard tests. Or as adults, we have this mantra that normal is working enough to be financially stable. And that normal is fine until you get diagnosed with cancer and don’t qualify for financial aid and choose not to work as much (oh, just me?). Who defines stable in the financial world? Or maybe I judge myself on what I thought would be normal for my life. Obviously the first thing I think of is my gray hair. Is it normal for a 41-year-old to have this much gray hair? I could probably color it but then I am committed to coloring my hair every three-four months and that is more commitment than I would like to attach myself to for the sake of my hair. Or is it normal to still feel I am floundering to find my purpose? Do we have to have a purpose? So many questions. Here is what I am learning: we have these normal standards that aren’t normal at all. Some days, I just want to be normal. Be healthy. Work a regular job. Have neurotypical children. But that is not my story. Instead, I’m jealous of a regularly working bum and I’m pretty sure that is not normal. 

It has been one week and a few days since my reversal surgery. I’d love to say that everything is going well and my new piping is all under control. That is, in fact, the exact opposite of what is going on. I may combust into tears and I have often thought maybe Babs wasn’t so bad. My bum feels like the end of week three (out of 4) in radiation. It is very tender, red and sore. The new piping is, well, adjusting. I am not trusting a fart and when I do, it normally means it is time to change my Depends. Which I do way more than I am comfortable admitting. And before the question of “is this normal?”, I am not sure what is normal. Every one is different and will respond differently to treatment. Hence why my surgeon said two years till equilibrium. I always think it won’t be THAT bad or THAT long of a time period for recovery. But no really, it is that bad and it really might take that long. And you know what? That is okay. Even if it is not, it is going to be okay because I will continue to move forward as best as I know how. 

Liz