I had my enema test Thursday to check for any leaks in my new piping. Great news, no leaks! But then all day I was occasionally discharging the contrast they so lovingly shoved up my booty-hole to check said piping. And to top it off, I woke up on Friday morning at 4.17am to go to the bathroom. That is normal. I need to empty it at least once a night. As I got up from bed, I was feeling how puffed up Babs was. Then I felt a warm liquid run down my leg. Shit. I tried to turn on our bathroom light but it’s a bit wonky. Our closet light needs to be in the on position for the bathroom lights to work. Nothing was working right now. I turned both lights on and off several times. No luck. Using my phone flashlight, I see that Babs has burst on the side. Sitting down on the toilet, Babs is puffed out as much as she can. I tried to empty my bag but of course, I miss the toilet and that brown liquid is all over the toilet seat cascading down to the bathroom floor. Shit, shit, shit. It’s everywhere. On me. My leg. My stomach. The toilet. The floor. Deep breath. And I thought, this is funny. I really can’t make this shit up and I laughed. So the cleanup begins. The lights would finally turn on so I could see the massive mess I made. Whoops. Priorities first: I light the candle to squelch the awful smell. I changed my bag and Babs wasn’t too overactive. I cleaned up the toilet and floor then hopped in the shower to wash off my legs. And I optimistically climbed back in bed to rest a bit more before my alarm because it was still 4.45 in the morning and for me that’s too early to start the day and finish it well.

So when people ask me how I am doing? Sometimes, I’m not sure how to respond or the level of discomfort I should share. Do I disclose my WWE match with Babs this morning? Some people do not know about my journey and are confused who Babs is. (My second personality. Haha.) Some people ask me how I am doing as a blanket question. And others truly want to know how things are going. So honestly, sometimes, I am not sure what people are asking. Physically, I am feeling ok. Barbara is doing well (most of the time) and my body is healing. At the same time, I am extremely frustrated with my body’s lack of movement and strength. Last week, I did two workouts at a level 1 skill level back-to-back days. A few days later, I’m running a low-grade fever and barely can move because of how sore I am. Too much. And yes, while I can hear everyone reading this blog tell me to calm (the fuck) down, pump the brakes, be nice to my body, I am just trying to find normalcy in my body instead of feeling like its Frankenstein’s monster. Every day when I get out of the shower and see my body, it is a both/ and response. Meaning, I am thankful to Babs for saving my life and I also think she is ugly as sin and I hate her. Both/ and. Living in the capacity of both. Emotionally, I am better regulated thanks to my pill, patch and cream. I am learning how to advocate and ask for my needs. But tears are too often on the verge of spilling because of feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. Mentally, I’m tired. There are so many aspects of this cancer journey that are just mentally exhausting on top of Mom exhausting: working to be positive more often than not, understanding my new capacity, listening to my body more, staying focused on the ultimate goal of perfect health, what’s for dinner, should I register the kids for spring sports, am I teaching/ modeling healthy boundaries for their friends. I knew going into this journey it would be difficult, but the extent of the mental load was not something for which I was prepared. Add on top the time of year of cold and gray and voila. Our 8-year- old wrote about us at school, “My mom and dad like to fite (fight) a lot because they are mad.” Oof. Poor Theo doesn’t like conflict so he just goes around hugging us. So I guess you could say things have been a little rough lately. Again, ebbs and flows. Most disagreements are because we are both mentally tired and at our capacity. But it’s going to be ok. This too shall pass with a little forgiveness, lots of grace and a good sense of humor. 

But guys, scope looks good! No leaks! Lots of GOOD news. I have a virtual appointment with the surgeon on February 5. I am hoping to be scheduled for my reversal at the end of February. Yay!

Liz