Yesterday, I was in Costco when I got a call from a Community network number. I answered. It was the surgeon’s office calling to schedule my under anesthesia scope and the follow-up appointment with my surgeon. Wait, what. I knew my surgeon needed to be involved, I guess I thought the CT scan and the MRI would be sufficient to determine the next steps. It’s my first time having cancer so not sure all the exact details involved. Apparently, the CT and MRI need to be scheduled first then we schedule the surgeon. Oh, ok. Right. As I wandered the Costco aisles, I became overwhelmed and frustrated. Not only that, but checking my calendar on my phone and talking, I put the receptionist on speaker phone to multi-task. Yep, I was that annoying person, in the aisle, on speaker phone, trying to figure out a doctor date. First available is the end of October. End of October? But a scope is needed and that is going to happen on October 22. Follow-up is not until November 6. And then I was just silently crying, in the aisle, still on speaker phone. Those big fat tears. I felt so defeated. It’s not like I’m not going to have the scope. Rather, it was this anticipation of being done or having a plan for the next steps and more steps get added. Probably not a big deal. But today, for me, it was. I checked out at Costco and then proceeded to cry more in my car. The light at the end of the tunnel is still close, but today I just felt tired. I know the scans and scopes will get done but the emotional toll of this journey was hard today. I debated on sharing all this on the blog, but this is me, in all my forms and today it’s messy, emotional, and weary. So if you see me with a new pair of shoes, don’t judge.

Liz