I finished radiation today. I think in my head I was imagining Chariots of Fire concept: epic music, slow mo, strong. The reality was not that. If the Chariots of Fire had a blooper reel, I would be in that. So think more of crawling my way to this finish line with tears and sand all over me from tripping on the beach. I think I go into many situations thinking I will not be as fazed as others. I was betting on my strength and fitness to power me through radiation. To not have pain or to not struggle. To keep my tough exterior and pretend all is ok. Or to not share with people how I am really doing. I know, completely unrealistic. I firmly believe my strength and fitness did help. While I equate the last couple weeks of pain and discomfort as not “doing the best,” I did my best. The last several days of my radiation and chemo have been hard. And that is ok. Managing the pain was more of a focus and a side effect of the painkiller is constipation. Awesome. No thanks. So here we are. I’d like to say I feel great and strong but I don’t. I am tired and I have been resting on the couch. A lot. And if you know me, that is a big step forward. But it is how I heal. Accepting the hard, crying about the hard but always moving forward. We are making our way, one day at a time and today I got to ring the bell signifying the end of radiation. 

What’s next? I meet with my oncologist tomorrow. Then we figure out when to put in my port and when IV chemo will start. I do not have a time or date to any of this beginning so I am embracing not having all the answers right now.

Liz