I remember the first time I saw the ocean. I was a freshman in high school. I went with my church youth group to Panama City. Classy. We drove in those huge buses through the night and of course I barfed on the trip because that is what an amazing traveler I am. I silently cried because I felt awful, I was lonely, it had been a terrible year with my parents divorce and my third new school in three years didn’t make me feel I had many, if any, solid friendships. We watched the Star Wars trilogy and I had never seen it before. It was a cloudy day when we arrived. The sand was a gray-ish color and the ocean was not this amazing azure color. Rather the ocean was a deep blue. Almost navy. But it stretched endlessly on. I felt teeny compared to the mass of water before me. And I wondered why I had never gone to the beach before. No offense to upstate New York and my family there but the beach and ocean? Since I went with my church youth group, girls had to wear a one-piece. Something about modesty. Not too many cute one-pieces in the 90s. I don’t remember them being such an issue as a kid or even a teenager. But as an adult? With continence issues. I like the idea of a one-piece covering the roadmap of scars on my stomach but they are very impractical getting them off in time to go to the bathroom. I am like a little kid trying to hold my pee (ok, let’s be honest, poop) and rip down my bathing suit, which in my haste, I would snag my scar from Babs that still has not fully healed. It scabs, gets wet and comes off, scabs and comes off. I did wear a waterproof bandaid over it but again, the top scab would come off. After going potty (phew), I wiggle my body back into my bathing suit trying to figure out a comfortable position for it again. Forever fixing those removable bra pads. And if my one-piece bathing suit was wet from swimming, forget about getting it back on. I would literally be jumping to pull it on. Vacation is supposed to be relaxing, dammit, and this one-piece suit is anything but relaxing. Moral of the story? Wear the two-piece. No one cares. Let me repeat: no one fucking cares. No one notices you because they are too busy being self-conscious about their own bodies to notice or care about your scars. I did have a random kid, who was playing with my kids, ask about my port. But pretty sure she didn’t even understand what it was after I said cancer treatments. And that’s okay. I was proud I responded quickly and honestly. Easy to do to a stranger. A week before spring break an acquaintance said her son doesn’t see me around the elementary school anymore. That got my brain going. How should I respond? Tell her the truth? Will she have follow-up questions? Is she sorry for me and will she tell me she is going to pray for me? (Even though I’ll take all the prayers). Do I want to engage on this level right now? I’m embarrassed about my cancer diagnosis. Wow, probably should unpack that little piece of information. Liz, you have not answered her. Glaze over it? Yes, definitely glaze over it. I finally said I just took a break. Unfortunately, that was wrongly interpreted as teaching elementary kids might be too much. It can be. Just like any job can be overwhelming at times. But that’s not why I quit. So why couldn’t I or didn’t I want to tell the truth? Perhaps for the same reason I haven’t overtly communicated my diagnosis on social media. After that conversation, I ticked through my mind of what I want to share with others and resorted to health complications of why I quit working at my kids’ elementary school. If I have capacity to share the specifics, then I will. I don’t know why I am embarrassed by my cancer. Like I did something wrong or I am less than in my body. Or I failed. I should celebrate the resiliency of my body: playing college basketball (albeit NAIA), four pregnancies, one miscarriage and D&C, three births and breastfeeding, running several half marathons, playing with my kids, CrossFit, cancer treatments. At some point, I will believe my body didn’t fail me but rather has taken a beating and continues to adapt and overcome. 

We spent a week in Key Largo for spring break. It was absolutely amazing. Beautiful weather, multiple pools and activities, delicious food. I even found a little balcony to drink my morning coffee and gaze onto the ocean. Reflecting on what a year it has been. A lot of times after a hard season, you reflect and see how much you have been challenged and how much you have grown. How you have been pruned. And the trial in your life makes sense. You can see the “good” that came from your suffering. I asked myself, after this past year, my growth and all, would I go through cancer again? My answer is no. Nope. Nada. If I had the choice to have cancer or to not have cancer, my answer would still be to not have had cancer. I would go back to how my life was before: working part-time at my kids elementary school, coaching at my CrossFit gym, managing the kids school schedules and sports schedules, still asking myself every week what’s for dinner, and all the other usual tasks of wife, mom, sister, daughter and friend. Maybe it’s a moot point. Maybe I am asking myself this question too close to the end of my treatments. Maybe my answer will be different in another year, two years, five years. Maybe this was just a little detour and soon I’ll be back like before. I guess we’ll find out. A statement I am thankful (and relieved) to be able to say. I feel grateful for the people who showed up in our lives and supported us. I feel grateful to those people who continue to show up and be involved in our lives. For me, cancer and it’s effects are still a daily thing. Is my butt getting better? Can I poop today? Am I constipated? Diarrhea? When should I try to get out of my Depends? Is my scab healing okay? How should we tackle these hospital bills? Should I look to substitute teach soon? Can I control my butt? I think I have a stitch that was supposed to dissolve that is not dissolving. Hmm. Oh fun times. We continue to manage and move. Spring is close and that means school will be out soon and life continues to tick by. 

This week is quite busy with my first CT scan after my surgeries, some bloodwork and an oncology follow-up. I am hoping to schedule to have my port removed. Fingers crossed all goes well.