I was chatting with a good friend when she shared another one of her friends was just diagnosed with cancer. Oof. Another younger person with a spouse and kids. Then it got me thinking of what I would say to someone who just got a diagnosis or anyone in a similar boat. Chances are these cancer diagnosis will continue to happen more and more. So I’m going to share some “advice”. Here goes: 

1. Allow all the feelings to happen. Even the fear. That will be the number one emotion. But allowing the fear to be present does not mean to be dictated or controlled by it. Rather, you are human and having to face your own mortality can be scary. I was super scared, cried multiple times a day and often felt I was in a haze of disbelief. And that’s ok. Give yourself a couple days to process all these emotions but then work to calm the body, specifically the fear. Calm the nervous system. Your body cannot fight the cancer if it is simultaneously fighting fear. 
2. Avoid toxic positivity. There is a difference between the power of positive thinking and toxic positivity. Yes, this is a mental battle just as much as a physical battle and being positive is crucial. However, so is being realistic of the ebbs and flows in our lives. We do have the power to choose to be positive but being positive at the risk of your own authentic self is not helpful. Don’t get sucked into only being a social media reel where everything is great, glitter is awesome and chemotherapy is cool. Wrong answers. Cancer is fucking hard. And it hurts but it provides a perspective unlike any other. It’s a weird opportunity to experience how much you and your family are loved and valued. 
3. Accept help. People mean well but they have no idea what to say to you. They apologize to you about something they had no control over. Hence, the I’m sorry’s. Or people comment about how God only gives us what we can handle, which, by the way, is nowhere in the Bible. But accept the concern and not the message because people are awkward and really don’t know how to be okay with uncomfortable news. People want to help and I believe we are not meant to travel through life alone. Find those friends who show up for you and stay connected. When people ask what they can do to help, have an answer. Write down a few tangible ways how people can help you and your family: meals, grocery cards, help with the kids, house cleaning etc. It helps others to help you. Plus, less stress is more recovery. 
4. Buckle up. The information about cancer is sketchy at best. Is it hereditary? From chemicals? From our food sources? It really is a square peg for a round hole which is maybe why you are rarely told anything except for the myriad of side effects. The side effects are pages and pages long because of how vastly different people respond to treatment. I had a friend who also just had an ileostomy reversal and she was out after a one night hospital stay and did not struggle with incontinence. I was puking up my guts right before my second night in the hospital and I am still wearing my diapers, err, my Depends. The effects from all my treatments are very prevalent for me. I still have significant neuropathy in my feet but my fingers are getting better as I only dropped my earrings once when I recently put them in. And menopause. Gah, menopause. It’s better, we’ll just put it at that. My poor body. In all of this, I do believe oncologists and surgeons do the best they know in the constrains of Western medicine. They are also human and don’t know everything. Which leads me nicely to my next point:
5. Advocate for yourself. There are so many instances when I did or did not advocate for myself and I can tell. One positive experience was with my radiation oncologist. She is one of the most wonderful humans I have ever met. Yet, in the beginning of my cancer journey having her as my radiation oncologist almost didn’t happen because she works out of Anderson and not the local campus where the rest of my care team practice. My medical oncologist thought it would be more prudent to use a radiation oncologist from the same campus. I felt very cornered, frustrated and hesitant to “rock the boat.” Thankfully, my doctor friend came to my rescue to help advocate for me. One of the best decisions in my whole cancer journey, even if it was with assistance. There will be big and small decisions to be made. Stick to what you know to be true for you especially when it might not be easier for doctors and/or family members.
6. The system is broken. In so many aspects: nutrition, health, finances. I was strict keto during radiation and received many questions and cautions from nurses about being careful. Nutrition is a huge missing link in so much of cancer understanding and research. Was keto easy? Absolutely not. Keto was one of the hardest things I chose to do. Would I do it again? Absolutely, no question. Sometimes the Western medicine approach to healthcare is pathetic and often only singularly focused on prescriptions (aka, follow the money). I was encouraged to increase my physical activity before both surgeries. In my head, I am thinking two CrossFit workouts? Oh, ok. No, the added physical activity was to walk around the living room during commercials. Say what? And the finances: The poor get help, the rich don’t need the help but the moderate middle class? I hope you have a great village around you. When we applied for financial aid, we had to submit three months of finances, pay stubs, savings, 401k information, blood type (kidding, sorta). But because we are saving for a house, we had enough money to pay for treatments. In other words, it is okay to drain your savings to save your life. Cool. This journey is frustrating on all levels: insurance, incomplete information and idiocy but take each day as it comes. One day at a time and see #4 and buckle up. 

I could write a lot more about giving grace to yourself (which I still struggle with) or enjoying every day (again, maybe some toxic positivity and have you ever dealt with a moody tween?) but sometimes less is more. So, I’ll keep it simple, and stick to these six. If you need any more advice, reach out. I’m happy to chat or help someone else navigate the road of cancer.

Liz