Barbara the butthole is on limited time. Obviously, I am not sad about that. I know that’s all I have said about her: I don’t like her. But let me share a bit more. Babs is my small intestine protruding from my stomach. It’s called a stoma. Because she is only my small intestine, I have trouble processing overly fibrous foods and legumes: corn, carrots, beans, broccoli, blueberries, raspberries, salads, seeds (read: a LOT of my diet). These foods take Babs more effort. And yes, I can often feel Babs discharging food into my bag. Or I can feel her farting or if the kids are lucky, they can hear her farting too. It’s just different. When the bag gets too heavy, it is uncomfortable because it will pull on my adhesive bag. At the beginning of having Babs, the issue was figuring out what ileostomy bag would work best. I was only shown two bag options: a one- piece or a two-piece. (Sounds tropical but can confirm, it is most definitely not tropical). The one- piece adheres to my skin so I cut out the size of Babs to put around her and the bag hangs below. All connected. For the two-piece, there is a circular adhesive that goes first so I cut the size of Babs first, put it on my skin and then align the top piece over the stoma and the bag hangs below. Coming out of surgery, I had a two-piece on. The one time I changed my bag in the hospital, I also did a two-piece because that is what I had coming out of surgery. I had no idea which option was better and I just stuck with what was done because, for some reason, I thought if that is what they did in the hospital, it must be the best way. (By the way, that is wrong ideology. I repeat: wrong). But with a two-piece, I struggled to not get a wrinkle or fold in my connection of adhesives which would lead to leaks. When I was at home, I found the one-piece easier. I still struggled with a good seal, particularly underneath the bag where I have a harder time seeing. Some small leaks definitely occurred. Not fun times. It’s been quite the adventure: I’ve missed getting my whole stoma through my cut out hole. I’ve re-done my bag for poor seals. I’ve had Babs discharging the entire time while trying to change the bag. Which let me tell you, it’s a literal shit show. I’m cussing at Babs to chill out and let me finish putting a bag back on while she is just pooping to her heart’s content, often times dribbling on the bathroom sink, cascading down the cabinets and puddling on the floor. I’ve bleached my bathroom too many times to keep track. Probably one of the hardest issues has been taking care of the skin right around Babs. I cannot cut the hole for Babs too close because she will expand when active. The skin around the stoma is then left exposed to stool. Constantly having stool on your skin will turn that skin red and raw. Remember changing a diaper and the poor kids butt is red from the poop then you slathering on some butt cream or paste to help with the redness and pain? Same thing here. This was a hurdle for me to figure out because the skin is constantly exposed to stool and it can be quite painful. Ok, really painful. When I change the bag, there is a powder I use to absorb any moisture. Then I use a skin spray to build some protection over the raw areas. Multiple layers are good. Next, is a skin barrier wipe to help create a tackiness on my skin because the adhesive ileostomy bag keeps going on the same area. These wipes were quite the mystery to figure out for my home health nurses. I ended up getting a solid assist from my nurse friends for finding the correct wipes. Overall, it has been quite an escapade that has taken time to figure out with frequent learning curves.

Another issue (ok, way more than one, but being optimistic!) with Babs I will look forward to not dealing with anymore is the placement of my pants. Do I make my pants go over the bag and thus turn into Steve Urkel? Or are my pants under the bag thus exposing the bottom of Babs? (Which feels a little scandalous, honestly.) And if I had to wear jeans, my waistline was right under my stoma so often times I would cut off the ability for the stool to go in the bottom of the bag. Instead, my poop was all trapped on top of the bag covering the stoma and that was uncomfortable. I tried to wear these cute skinny black jeans while out on a double date. We are not twenty minutes into this evening when I unbutton my pants as well as unzip my pants. Phew. I could breathe and not feel Babs pulsating from the placement of my super cute jeans. Thankfully, baggier tops are in style. Moral of the story: elastic waist is queen. I joke with friends if I have to wear pants with a restrictive waistband, I am not sure our level of friendship. It’s the simple things. But isn’t that normally how it is? It’s the simple things that make a big difference. A laugh with a friend, elastic waistbands, sunshine, fresh air, the smell of stargazer tiger lilies, the warmth of a hug, a quick text from friends. Life is beautiful, my friends. And at the end of our lives, which this past year smacked right in front of me, the only thing we take with us is love. So let’s love one another well. Except for Babs, we don’t need to love her. Just be thankful to her for saving my life so I can keep moving forward to my vision of perfect health. 

Quick nitty-gritty details. Surgery is Friday 2/28. I am the first surgery of my surgeon’s day so lucky us, we will be there at 5:30 am. I’m sure I’ll need to pee in a cup, the nurses will re-sterilize me, and we will again go over all my medications (aka, my vitamins) I am taking. The surgery is 90 minutes for Babs to go back inside me where she belongs and to awaken my butthole. The new Martin motto: never trust a fart. I will be in the hospital for at least an overnight stay then home. Recovery is looking around 2-4 weeks from the surgery itself and a two year equilibrium process for my bowels, butt and bracing muscles to get it figured out. Yay, for Depends. The surgery is not as invasive as getting the ostomy but it’s still major surgery and going through my abdominal wall. I’m sure I’ll have exciting and embarrassingly hilarious stories to share. So if you see Chris or one of my kids, give them a hug. They are doing amazing on this yo-yo journey. Much love my friends. 
Liz