If you couldn’t guess by the title, this is my (Chris) triumphant return to writing on the blog!

Farting is hilarious. There, I said it. All of you who mind your Ps and Qs, who act prim and proper at all times and think of passing gas as a major faux pas, it’s probably best for you to tune out now.

Ever since I was a kid I’ve laughed at toots. My mom had a strict rule – no flatulence at the dinner table! So what did my dad in his everlasting wisdom do? He stood up from the dinner table, walked two feet to the nearest door, walked into the next room and let it rip. My sister and I would cackle, as long as he obeyed the “10 second rule” (how long it takes for the smell of a fart to escape your pants and dissipate into the atmosphere) before he came back to the table and we resumed eating.

Much to my mom and Liz’s chagrin, I have kept the humor of tooting alive and well with our kids, and each of them have developed their own farting personality. 

Jude is the worst kind of farter – king of the SBDs. You never hear it coming but you’ll walk into the invisible cloud of death and you’ll know it was Jude. I pray for anyone who takes a road trip with him. There is something about being in a car that activates the deadly part of Silent but Deadly 🤢 Pre-cancer, Liz was the same as Jude.

Dylan is the “machine gunner”. If our family was a squad of Marines she would be the one handling the M249 SAW. When she’s got gas, it’s loud, it’s staccato and it sounds like someone laying down covering fire. And it’s always followed by a shit eating grin that screams “I know that wasn’t very lady-like, and I don’t care.”

And Theo. Our dear sweet little boy. When it comes to gas, he is Michael Jordan in game 7. Picasso with a brush and a canvas. If flatulence was measured in decibels per pound of body weight, I’m confident T would compete for a world championship. I’ve never heard another human being of any age as loud as him. It’s mind-boggling.

As for me, I’m probably Theo “light”…call it Michael Jordan during his time playing for the Wizards. It also depends on what I eat, much to Liz’s chagrin.

Throughout the course of this blog Liz has talked about her “return to perfect health” and on February 28th she will take a big step in that direction. AND she will start farting again. I can’t wait to find out what her tooting style will be. Yes for the laughs…but also for the tangible reminder of returning to “normal”. That finish line is in sight…

Chris