Waiting. We are still waiting for what’s next. I did have a follow-up with my oncologist but the MRI was “indeterminate” so we really need the scope and biopsy to know what will be next. In the meantime, it has been hard to quiet my anxiety of the unknown. If there is surgery, the ostomy bag. Will this be permanent? How will my body adapt to this? Is surgery the best option? Observation? How will I know the cancer is fully gone? So many unknowns and I often wake up, my mind racing, wondering about the “poop bag.” Even from the beginning of my cancer journey, the ostomy bag and the potential permanency of it has scared me the most in this whole process. In the end, I know all will be ok. Whatever happens. But in the present, it is hard. What’s the best way to distract my mind? Family vacation! (Yes, go ahead and laugh.) Because of my cancer, we did not go anywhere over spring break or summer break. I know not everyone goes on vacation, but growing up, we rarely (polite terminology for saying never) went on vacation and I want to give my kids opportunities I never had and honestly, I needed to get away. I wanted a break from cancer, cancer appointments, cancer recovery treatments (like hyperbaric oxygen treatments and infrared sauna. They are wonderful and helpful. I just wanted a break). So away we drove to beautiful Niagara Falls and Toronto for a few days. We walked about 20 thousand steps a day. Niagara Falls was amazing. We stayed on the Canadian side and had an amazing view of the American Falls and the Horseshoe Falls from our hotel room. I think, scratch that, I know, I was more mesmerized by the view than the kids. At night, I kept watching the changing colors of the Falls light show. Blue to red and orange to rainbow colors back to blue.

In the morning, we took the boat trip to the Falls and got completely soaked from the mist thus cutting short any desire for much more at Niagara. Not to mention, it was cold. 50 degrees up North is different than 50 degrees in central Indiana. But I think we all agreed the boat ride was amazing which is nothing short of a miracle for the kids to agree on anything right now.

And that nugget should tell you how the rest of vacation went. We did lots of exploring in Toronto from the Hockey Hall of Fame, Ripley’s Aquarium, a walking tour of Toronto, Union Station, St. Lawrence Market, Kensington Market area, Toronto Railway Museum, the Rec Room (which was an arcade built inside the old railway mechanic building) and more.

And overall, 2 out of the 3 kids were happy with what we were doing. There was always one kid, not necessarily the same kid, who was wanting to sit down or go back to our “house.” I’d like to think 2/3 is good. That is a 67% or a D+ in school and when I was a teacher, I liked to say D’s get degrees. I’ll give myself a passing grade. I know not everything was great on the vacation but I’m hoping my kids can remember it with good memories and a fun, new experience. At the end of our two full days in Toronto, my numb toes and heels were done with all the walking. My mind needed a break from constant cancer thoughts but my body betrayed me with struggling to walk. Towards the end of each day, I was seeking out a few more benches and resting areas along with one or two of the kids. On our drive home, Theo threw up in the car within the first 30 minutes of an 8 hour drive. So the drive could only go up from there. He was fine after that incident and when we stopped in Ann Arbor for a mid-day detour, he was thrilled to be at Michigan. Again, 2 out of 3 kids were excited to see the University of Michigan.

67%. Passing. It is not lost of me that Jude is in 8th grade and we only have 4 more fall breaks until he is in college. Or how Dylan is only a few short years from being a teenager herself. What’s the deal with the Sephora obsession?? And my Theo. My baby that isn’t really a baby. Finally, Chris. We may bicker but we also laugh a lot together. Our life and marriage are far from perfect but there is growth in imperfection. It is in these kinds of reminders that I will do whatever it takes to be involved in my family’s lives as long as I can. Shit bag or no shit bag.

Liz