Thursday May 9:
Again, here I go, not knowing how to start a post. I should say something witty. I should be encouraging and positive. But I am really not feeling either of those today. Today has been a hard day. I am tired. I’m not in any pain, for the most part. I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling I get 2 steps ahead and take 4 steps back. Today, I resigned from my position at my kids’ elementary school. I cannot give them stability or consistency right now and kids need that. Teachers need that. So for now, I am stepping down. Another loss. Or so it feels. I know when I am healthy, the Lord will provide something for me. I have all the head knowledge. But right now, at this point in my life, I had just started to feel things were turning the corner. Chris and I have worked hard to get out of a lot of debt. To be able to take the kids on vacations. To be able to actively look for a house that meets more of our family needs. And then I get cancer. The financial guilt. The mom guilt. Again, I know my life is worth more than a setback financially. I am processing all that is swirling in my head and journaling with an audience. So maybe today is more about the unknown. The summer of IV chemo for my kids. For Chris. How active will I be? Can my kids re-apply sunscreen? The side effects of IV chemo. How I will respond to treatment? All the unknowns and through the unknowns, I am learning it’s ok not being ok. So I allow myself the peace to sit with that. Bad days happen. And maybe it is my anxiety for the next stage of my treatment. But as always, we press forward. On to my port placement. 

Friday May 10:

Port placement is today. I’m just nervous of how I will respond. Chris has said I have a high pain tolerance. And he would be correct because my port installation did not hurt at all. Meds probably helped. I was awake and chatting the whole procedure with the doctor (he was awesome) and nurses. The worst part for me was at home with the meds wearing off and my afternoon smoothie not mixing well. 

My port is in and I am hopeful for some healing before the IV chemo starts on Thursday. And yes, my neck is orange from the disinfectant before my procedure. 

My continued thanks to all who are praying, sending me love and good vibes. It is appreciated. If I’m being honest, it is more encouraging now because I don’t feel “forgotten.” The initial shock of my diagnosis has worn off and while lives continue to move on, I am entering the second stage of my treatment and our daily lives continue to focus on cancer. So thank you. 

Liz